I see it.
So close.
Trying to swallow me whole
again.
I’m so tired of fighting my way away from this “thing”.
Trigger: people trying to tell me that i should have more children…not just telling but berating me about it.
They said it was all in fun afterwards, but i know that it was only 2% fun and 98% true feelings on how i should do things in my family.
im tired of telling people i have 4 children. 3 of my babies are DEAD.
im tired of telling people that it’s between me, hubby, and God.
im tired of having post traumatic flash backs every time someone mentions pregnancy or babies as it pertains to me.
im just so tired.
Interesting article about cutting and embedding. Thought it might help you or someone who knows you get a better understanding of this addictive impulse.
As requested, The Meltdown visits ways to prevent and cure the holiday blues.
Mentioned site: Dr N A Dig
Music: Christmas Time is Here from Charlie Brown Christmas
Sorry it’s late. I didn’t add music. It’s raw. It’s rough. It is what it is. I hope you get something out of it. It was not an easy record. I have a new microphone that I was trying out, too, so the sound gets jumpy BUT It’s all for the cause of getting to someone who can relate. I love you all.
I always feel terrible after cutting. I always feel like it’s a childish act, a lack of self control. I feel like the whole world is looking down on me wagging their fingers and shaking their heads because I couldn’t keep it together. I feel this shame and guilt that begs the question
WHY do it?
At the time, it seems like the only thing you can do. Someone told me it was a selfish act, when in reality my mind says that I do this so I don’t hurt other people in my rage. Better me than them. It’s not selfish…but a sacrifice. I sacrifice my own self for their well being. I keep my hands busy so that I don’t use them in anger against another person.
It’s only really selfish if my intent is to kill, not cut, myself. THAT is selfish. Of course, I am told that I could slip once and really do myself harm. Do you have any clue what kind of slip it would have to be in order to mortally wound myself with a little razor with no handle? That’s not a slip…that’s deliberate. You have to practically sever your own hand from your body. You can’t just slip and do that. You have to be cutting near a major vein to do that. It’s called SLASHING your wrist, not slipping and cutting your wrist. You have to go in with the intent of majorly harming yourself.
Mutilation is not about death, or it would be called attempted suicide.
Yes I fell again last night. For whatever reason, this past week has been one of the hardest in a long time. I didn’t have anywhere to turn last night. I kept trying to forget about what was plaguing me. I kept trying to pray it away, wish it away…whatever I could do not to fall back into the spiraling abyss of psychotic depression that I was in before…but I fell. I fell hard. I couldn’t call the crisis line even though I had every intention. I went for the phone, but someone was using the line… and therefore I never got to crisis calling. I went back to my corner, found my release, and still there was no peace to be found. I knew it when I did it, but that glimmer of hope that maybe this time would be different kept me from stopping. I tried to stop. I did stop. I didn’t peel away my skin. I didn’t remove the face that offends me every day.
I don’t hate myself. I hate the things that the people I love hate about me. I think I am a cool person, but that’s not who people see. I try to show MYSELF, but I get shot every time. I am tired of being told I’m not enough, that I am not pretty enough, nice enough, smart enough… In church yesterday, the pastor spoke something that I have always believed:
If you hear a lie about yourself long enough, you start to believe it and become that lie.
It becomes truth for you. That is how it has always worked for me. I have always said this, and I am always told the same thing: Stop believing the lies. Stop listening to what other people think.
Yeah, easy, right?
NOT!
Transforming my thoughts to those that edify instead of destroy has been a process. A long tedious process. I have come so far, but have so much further to come. There is still only one person in my life that I give the authority to break me. I don’t know how to reclaim that right back short of not being around that person…and that is not an option. I have a lot to think about, a lot to deal with. I have to pick myself back up from this fall and start all over again.
In this podcast I talk about Veteran’s Day, the birth of my Niece, my friends, family, and the names we answer to in our lives. Give a listen and some feedback if you can.
Songs:
Green Day / Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
Thievery Corporation / Lebanese Blonde
Lifehouse / Crown of Scars
Flyleaf / Much Like Falling
P.O.D. / Sleeping Awake
Book:
Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer
Special mention:
I would like to add Cre8Eve to my list of survivors. She is the sister to my soul. We go through everything either simultaneously or subsequently. It’s crazy, but I am glad she is in my life.
by Joyce MeyerI keep picking up my mp3 player and putting it back down again. I keep thinking of what to say and just negating it that fast. So much has been going on and so much has been remembered. So many people I love have passed on and so many people are just not around to talk with for whatever reason short of death. I am weighed upon so heavily and I just can’t seem to break out of this depth where I lay. Please forgive me for being late with this podcast. I will post it today, that is a promise. … Just give me time. Thank you.
Sometimes people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol should really consider getting as far away from the epicenter of their activity as possible in order to heal. Living in New Jersey, I can say that the Los Angeles Residential Drug & Alcohol Treatment Center would be a nice facility to look further into for treatment. I’m pretty sure that is about as far away from the center of former activity as I would ever dare get.
They have a beautiful, well laid out facility in which to recover. You get to live in a luxurious home while you socialize and learn how to really become whole again. The pictures, I’m sure, don’t even do this place justice. I would like to go see their facility in person just so I can report back on it.
The staff really do understand the nature of addiction, how it occurs, and how to handle it afterward. They get that there is no real cure, but that recovery is an every day and sometimes every moment process. Being able to live as normally as possible through the transition is essential to helping one build a life abstinent of drugs and alcohol. Treatment doesn’t cease when you leave, either. They have an aftercare program to make sure one stays clean and sober.
If you live in their area and feel comfortable staying in your state for treatment, make sure to check them out. If you live elsewhere and feel it best to completely leave your environment to pursue wholeness, do the same. Your life is worth it.
//sponsored review//
I went in for my therapy appointment. They were about to close my case! It was good to see her again. We caught up with the business of my mental health and whatever else was going on. It was a good day to just let it all out and talk about the progress I have made over the past few months that we have not seen each other. Good stuff. We will see each other again in another month.
Stay tuned for the new podcast coming up next Monday!!
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